Let's start small
In the last
one year, I have come to realize a few things about myself. Or maybe I have
changed and these things are a part of the new and improved Shiro. If any of you
have been following my blog, a year ago catastrophe struck and I packed up my
bags and moved away, closer to home. I believe we can never heal
in the environment we were hurt in, so I left and decided to change my life and everything I didn't like about it.
It has been
a little over a year since I left 2063. The house I had found after 2 months of roaming around
the streets of Bellandur and made my home. The house I loved, with its twinkly
lights, and the balcony overlooking the lake and the plethora of bean bags
lying around everywhere. I loved everything about it. It was my home. I felt at
peace there.
Okay go getting back to the point, what I have realized about myself is that I like to be placed into challenging positions. It makes me stronger. Somehow over the last year, I have transformed into the sword of Gryffindor, “It takes in only what makes it stronger!”, not exactly applicable but just go with it.
Okay go getting back to the point, what I have realized about myself is that I like to be placed into challenging positions. It makes me stronger. Somehow over the last year, I have transformed into the sword of Gryffindor, “It takes in only what makes it stronger!”, not exactly applicable but just go with it.
At work, I
push myself to take up the toughest project or the one I have the slightest idea
about and then do it end to end. Now that I am writing this down, I am realizing that
the only way to not be afraid is to put yourself in uncomfortable positions before they creep up on you. And I for one don’t ever want to be so afraid or weak anymore.
I don’t want to be dependent on people, afraid of things/situations or be that
vulnerable ever again.
Now going back
to why I am writing about this. Bangalore was my Vietnam. I was in a serious depression
for months after that. And even the thought of Bangalore sent a shiver down my
spine. I remember having to spend a week there to pack up my things and wrap everything up at work, and my cumulative sleep that week was probably four hours. I just could not sleep at all.
I have buried all memories of Bangalore and the two years I spent there so far down in my mind that they can never catch me off-guard. But now I am thinking it’s time to remove the bandages and look at the wounds and fix them rather than just hide them.
I have buried all memories of Bangalore and the two years I spent there so far down in my mind that they can never catch me off-guard. But now I am thinking it’s time to remove the bandages and look at the wounds and fix them rather than just hide them.
I want to
go back and stand in place I came crashing down in. I want to stare at the door
saying 2063, stand in the lift I took every morning to work, take the same
route to my ex’s house, go to that restaurant we often frequented, stand in the
kitchen I had made mid-night Maggi countless times, sit in that balcony look at
the lake and smoke. I want all those painful and happy memories to hit me all
at once. I don’t want to be afraid of embracing those memories.
I don't want to afraid of an entire city, I want to be able to overcome this fear that I have. And what I have learned is that the best way to do this is to start small. I want to conquer my fear of the city I had once called home.
I don't want to afraid of an entire city, I want to be able to overcome this fear that I have. And what I have learned is that the best way to do this is to start small. I want to conquer my fear of the city I had once called home.
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