Let's Start Small

In the last year, I have come to realize a few things about myself. Or maybe I have changed and these things are a part of the new and improved Shiro. If any of you have been following my blog, a year ago catastrophe struck and I packed up my bags and moved away, closer to home. I believe we can never heal in the environment we were hurt in, so I left and decided to change my life and everything I didn't like about it.

It has been a little over a year since I left 2063. The house I had found after 2 months of roaming around the streets of Bellandur and made my home. The house I loved, with its twinkly lights, the balcony overlooking the lake, and the plethora of bean bags lying around everywhere. I loved everything about it. It was my home. I felt at peace there.

Okay go getting back to the point, what I have realized about myself is that I like to be placed into challenging positions. It makes me stronger. Somehow over the last year, I have transformed into the sword of Gryffindor, “It takes in only what makes it stronger!”, not exactly applicable but just go with it.

At work, I push myself to take up the toughest project or the one I have the slightest idea about and then do it end to end. Now that I am writing this down, I am realizing that the only way to not be afraid is to put yourself in uncomfortable positions before they creep up on you. And I for one don’t ever want to be so afraid or weak anymore. I don’t want to be dependent on people, afraid of things/situations, or be that vulnerable ever again. 

Now going back to why I am writing about this. Bangalore was my Vietnam. I was in a serious depression for months after that. And even the thought of Bangalore sent a shiver down my spine. I remember having to spend a week there to pack up my things and wrap everything up at work, and my cumulative sleep that week was probably four hours. I just could not sleep at all. 
I have buried all memories of Bangalore and the two years I spent there so far down in my mind that they can never catch me off-guard. But now I am thinking it’s time to remove the bandages and look at the wounds and fix them rather than just hide them. 

I want to go back and stand in the place I came crashing down in. I want to stare at the door saying 2063, stand in the lift I took every morning to work, take the same route to my ex’s house, go to that restaurant we often frequented, stand in the kitchen I had made mid-night Maggi countless times, sit in that balcony look at the lake and smoke. I want all those painful and happy memories to hit me all at once. I don’t want to be afraid of embracing those memories. 

I don't want to be afraid of an entire city, I want to be able to overcome this fear that I have. And what I have learned is that the best way to do this is to start small. I want to conquer my fear of the city I had once called home.


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